Fifty Shades of Shite

Oh God.  This is awful.  I can’t.  I just can’t.  And then I did.

It took me 4 attempts and 9 months.  All that bloody hype – I was expecting a sexual revolution but all I got was a playroom, a bit of BDSM in a teenage novel with no plot.  Oh my.

I have so many issues:

* Why did she dress the characters so badly – flannel trousers, linen shirts, pinafore dresses and tankini’s … really?

* Saying medulla oblongata repeatedly does not make you an intelligent writer ELJ.

* The repetition.  Ugh the repetition.  The lip biting, the pigtails, the annoying phrases, Ana rolling her eyes or blushing on every facking page grrrrrrrrrrr.  Oh my.

* Did she really just orgasm after getting her nipples tweaked?

* ELJ’s use of adjectives. She manages to spoil the sex scenes. Geeze. I laughed out loud when Christian “clutched” Ana’s face.  In fact I’m going to clutch someone’s face right now for a good laugh.

* Inner goddess also made me laugh, she’s so dumb but very funny.  But THIS ISN’T A COMEDY.

* Stalking is not sexy ELJ what’s wrong with you?

* 21 year old virgin that has never masturbated but can orgasm on demand, again with a NIPPLE TWEAK, and goes all out deep throating, scoring an A.  No woman can like this character ELJ.

* Poor Ana doesn’t have to go through the average experience of her first sexual conquest being a crappy, painful fumble.  Her partner knows what he wants, knows what she needs, is good looking, wealthy, gives her multiple orgasms that put her to sleep better than a dose of night nurse.  Oh woe her.  Hey we love vanilla.

* As for the BDSM – it’s not that bad – from all the ‘debasing her’ talk I was expecting the play room antics to be degrading, like a particular story from John Yau’s Fetish, but spanking and belting aside I didn’t think it was as bad as some folks had made out. She had her safe words and she had choice, what’s the big deal? I understand from a feminist point of view that this is not very forward thinking, but she was not forced – she bloody enjoyed it until she asked for more than she could handle and ran off crying. Oh maybe it’s just because I dislike Ana’s self loathing, low self esteem, naive, stupid twat character so much.

* I’ve heard so many women say they would like men to read this book and I would like to say to them – you are not going to nipple orgasm, stalking is not cool and contracts are not sexy.

I am pissed off that I have helped to contribute to the success of this shite. I would like my money back please.
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